Anyone who has watched reality television can confirm that forming any sort of alliance begins with establishing trust; however, those of us who have enjoyed the unraveling of such tangled television relationships can attest that sometimes trust gets used for evil instead of good.
When looking for love online, an Online Single (herein referred to as an OLS) is putting her heart on her cybersleeve and taking a chance at getting to know someone based on the information she solicits. In order to form a bond with another OLS, she must ask good questions, reveal her own personal anecdotes, and describe her daily life while maintaining her personal safety.
Taking into account that the OLS has already asked the traditional “What do you do for a living?”, “What do you do for fun?” and other generic personal questions, she should start to ask questions whose answers offer insight into his personality. Intriguing questions that are sure to elicit an insightful response are:
What is your birth sign?
When/Where did you meet your best friend?
What would be your ideal vacation?
What is your opinion on {insert current news related item here}?
Questions regarding his immediate family will also help the OLS in her interpretation of this possible mate. Does he avoid answering any questions about family or friends? Does he tell you that he is estranged from his parents or has a negative opinion about his gay uncle? Does he call his mother every day, twice a day, soliciting her opinion on everything because she is possibly the most perfect woman he has ever met? Or, does he share a humorous story about how, as a child, he once put Chiquita banana stickers on the back of his father’s important presentation–and he and his father still laugh about it? His description of the relationships he has with his family, friends, and co-workers lets the OLS know how he interacts with the people who are already in his life.
In turn, the OLS must also reveal her own share of responses. It is very important to exercise caution when giving out information about where you live, where you work and the hours you keep, until you have established an extensive communication pattern with your “intended.” Obviously under no circumstances should you ever give out financial information, passwords, spare key information, or any other security facts.
There are two simple rules to follow regarding on-line safety and security.
RULE #1: Trust your gut instinct.
RULE #2: If, for any reason, you decide against trusting your gut instinct, refer to Rule #1.
All animals have an inner voice that communicates a fight-or-flight response to potentially dangerous situations; however, human beings often misinterpret this message as paranoia or an active imagination. While it is an excellent testament to one’s personality if she tries to put a positive spin on an otherwise negative situation, those who are searching for a possible mate often go to extreme measures to see the good in people. They overlook several signs and behaviours that objective outsiders see as red flags. One OLS I know was communicating with a gentleman online who had e-mailed her pictures of his new luxury sports car. This same gentleman would ask if he could call her collect from his business trips because he found the hotel phone charges too high. This reasoning is acceptable from a family member or close friend, but not during the initial stages of courting, and not from someone who brags about his high income.
There are never any guarantees that a person is telling you the truth about who he is, where he lives, what he does for a living, or if he is married. Some people go to great lengths to fill their online personals with seemingly valid and meaningful information. There are several ways to research his information (although if you are an OLS resorting to this, re-read Rule #1).
Linda Alexander has written an interesting article about revealing and deciphering information over the Internet. She recommends finding out “how he is connected to his community.” She also suggests requesting a photo, and sending him a recent one in return so that you are both painting a truthful physical picture of each other. The best piece of advice she offers is to “probe any discrepancies in [his] story”.
If he gives you his phone number, you can verify if it belongs to him at: www.411.ca
The www.google.com site will show occurrences of his name on the Internet. This could be him or others with the same name. Some information could include scholarships won, works published, or news articles. Concerned when your new online ‘friend’ suggests you help him with a business proposition? Check it out at: www.worldwidescam.com
When you open this page, you are greeted with “Take the Money and Run” by the Steve Miller Band. You can click on various scams in Internet history.
Relationships need to be built on a solid foundation of honesty and trust. The Internet is a great tool for introductions. Once you have established a good rapport via e-mail, the next step is to talk on the phone. Speech pattern, tone of voice, and telephone manner can be very revealing. Are you frequently interrupted? Are there periods of uncomfortable silence? How does he deal with his Call-Waiting?
Once you have a mental picture and have communicated over the telephone several times, meeting in person is the next logical step. Be smart. Do not make your first meeting a dinner-and-a-movie date. Agree to meet on your terms and in a well-populated place. Good examples are bookstores, coffeehouses, or diners. Bring a friend or tell a friend where you are going and at what time. Carry your cell phone with you.
How safe are you online? Tell us your tips here.
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